24

Twenty four days until I’m out of here. Well… out of Australia. Ha. As much as I’m looking forward to a pretty sweet holiday, there’s a part of me that still wishes that I didn’t have to go. Every person I’ve told has said something along the lines of, “OMG! THAT’S SO COOL! YOU’RE SO LUCKY!”. But inside I’m thinking:

• No… not really. I like my holidays in Melbourne.
• I’m so paranoid about going on a plane. DAMN QANTAS!
• I’m going to miss people so much… and all the other little things.

I guess I really want to have a decent holidays with friends this year. Seeing as I was a bit of a recluse last year. This year has been great, out of all honesty; I’m just wishing I’d be able to spend more time with my friends. I feel strange thinking about summer holidays last year, because it didn’t seem so long ago. Last year was tough, but I feel as though 2008 has been one of the best years I’ve ever had.

I know I shall miss everyone lots while I’m gone. But as Belinda said, I will (try to) enjoy myself and have lots of fun. I think I’m going to end it here. I strongly dislike thinking about missing people and leaving, even though I’m not really leaving for good or anything, but you get the point. Take care of yourselves, and have a fantastic holidays. Oh, and finally…

“…’cause for you I would wait forever just to see you for a second.” Corny? I reckon so. Hehe.

Goodbye and take care.

that email

For those that have actually been wondering about the story behind the wooden table. Here is the untitled email that inspired my previous entry (and pretty much made my heart melt)…

“After playing tennis today I sat on the couch and was looking at my table, when I saw a sticker that someone stuck on it and I got annoyed that people keep putting things on it that they shouldn’t. For instance last night my cousins put dripping cups and hot bowls on it. Then I thought about why I care so much, why do I love it so much? It’s not like it can love me back. But then it’s because I made it from scratch, I spent so much time on it, and I felt a sense of accomplishment when I finished. My thoughts normally jump from one thing to another so after that I started thinking about us and how my friendship with you was similar. It started from scratch and the start was kind of like the planning making sure that I ‘measure twice, cut once’. Then I had to work hard and put the pieces together making sure it turned out right. I think this is the stage that we’re at right now because this is when I made a few mistakes and was not being careful enough, but by doing the mistakes that I did, I have learned to not do them again and I really do think that it’ll turn out alright in the future. So what’s there to come? You might be thinking, well you’ve seen my table and I don’t want to sound too arrogant but what’s at the end is something amazing and whenever you look back to it there is just something that makes you think, wow to think that used to be just a pile of wood, but in our case we were just two simple people who were waiting to be put together and made into something amazing and with this I am being loved back.

I love you dearly and want you to know that things haven’t changed for me and I do think that this has made us stronger.”

Goodbye and take care.

amazing

All I’m going to say today is that I’m happy… and that Google Images does not have very good images of wooden tables. The design on this one is pretty awesome though. Why a wooden table, you might ask? Maybe one day, I’ll post something up that inspired today’s blog, but for now, you can just continue looking at the awesome table (and continue wondering why I wrote an entry about a wooden table). Ha.

Goodbye and take care.

the same?

This entry won’t make any sense to people who haven’t read the previous one (which is pretty much no one), so I guess you’ll just have to make do with trying to understand what I’m getting at here. Ha.

I’m just wondering if anything has changed, maybe I’m in denial and I refuse to believe something has, even if it’s something extremely minor. Has that level of trust decreased slightly? No. Do I feel myself caring for you less? Definitely not, I probably care for you even more to be honest. I don’t know whether it should’ve affected me more or not, but I guess it hasn’t. I’m glad that I feel it hasn’t, but do you feel as though something has changed? Does it still feel like it did between us before it happened for you? I’m more worried about you than myself in this. Maybe I should just stop asking you all these questions and let you do whatever you need to do to get your head around everything. I hope that you can forgive yourself (if you haven’t already done so), for your own sake. I won’t be able to move on and things between us won’t be able to move on properly unless I know that you’re not being held back by this. Point is… I know you might not want to, but I want you to let go of whatever pain/sadness/disappointment you’re holding within yourself. You say you’re ok, but I really hope it’s a genuine feeling.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

Goodbye and take care.

it hurts

My thoughts are racing at a hundred kilometres per hour. It hurts. I can’t deny it. The moment I read the title of the document, I could just feel in my heart that it was something that I would be upset about. When I think about it now, I don’t really feel anything that stands out. There’s a bit of sadness, pain, disappointment and shock. I don’t know whether I should be angry at you. Maybe you believe that I should be. You probably think that I should hate you, I shouldn’t be friends with you, or that I shouldn’t trust you anymore. There’s a small part of me that agrees, but my heart is telling me something different.

Don’t say that you’re not different, because you are, even though you may think otherwise. I’m not even that upset over the fact that you did that, I’m more upset that you felt you couldn’t tell me. I know you were scared, hell, I would be too. I know you were worried and you didn’t want to “hurt” me, but I wouldn’t want you to have gone through that alone, keeping that all inside for almost a month.

I know I already told you, but I keep thinking to the days we’ve spent together and especially after my conversation with you about my doubts; and yet behind all that, you kept it from me. I’m here for you, like you’re here for me. My reactions aren’t that great, I know, but you know that I’ll always love you. I emphasise the ‘always’, because I know I will. I wish I knew the right words to say that could help you feel the slightest bit better about the situation; but I don’t.

Besides from the initial shock, I just wanted to hold you, because I know you’re hurting too. I want to cry with you and be the one that you can lean on. You have no idea how much you mean to me, and we both know what you did was stupid, but I can’t imagine what I’d do if I lost you, let alone if I lost you now. There’s a lot of pain in me now, but there’s so much more love. I want you to know that it’s ok. I forgive you.

Maybe I take things too seriously. All I know is that you’re my best friend, and I don’t love you any less, and (right now) I don’t trust you any less than I did before. Whether that changes, I have no idea; but I’m seriously hoping it doesn’t. I’ve been stupid and let go of people before, but letting go of you would be the stupidest thing I would ever do. We’ll get through this, it may take some time, but I have faith in us and I have faith in you.

I love you so much that I can’t even begin to describe it.

first day back

I am so freaking tired from school today. The first week back is always the hardest, because I have to get back into the usual school “routine” again. Besides from the fact that I found myself almost falling asleep in every class (except for Physics; where Yen, Vania and I had in-depth conversations about Heroes and Prison Break instead of studying for our SAC tomorrow), the day was pretty decent.

At recess, Bonita showed me a cut she had on the back of her hand, and her and Annie were talking about how she was “suicidal”. (She really isn’t though) As any friend would, I comforted her, but I couldn’t stop laughing because Bonita is one of those people who are constantly on a high and always so bubbly. I just found the whole situation hilarious. At one point, we pretended to have a “deep and meaningful” conversation, and when I asked her if she was ok, she just started laughing which then brought back the laughter from myself.

I was thinking on the train ride home how strange that whole situation was. It’s been a long time I’ve laughed so hard, yet the topic I was laughing about isn’t something that should be seen as a joke. I told Bonita that she was one of the happiest people I know, and hopefully, she is genuinely happy. I guess behind all this, the situation just reminded me of myself a bit. I’m not suicidal or anything, but there’s the whole facade I put on when things aren’t okay just so the people at school believe everything really is and I don’t have to bother talking about things. It’s just very easy to hide things, and to all my friends; I just want to say that I hope you’re not dealing with anything on your own (that is, if there is anything that may be troubling you). Whether you tell someone/some people at school or someone outside of school, just as long as there’s someone there for you; then I’ll be happy knowing you’re not going through things alone, even if I’m not the one that you may turn to.

That’s pretty much it for today. Good luck to everyone for the rest of this year and all the exams.

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” ~Orson Welles

Goodbye and take care.

big hearts are for breaking

I had a pretty bad night last night. Everything just got to me, and unfortunately for Belinda, she had to deal with all of it. We had one of those “deep and meaningful” conversations last night, only it was “deep and meaningful” to the extreme, and certain thoughts I had been thinking for a couple days finally hit home. Our conversation got to a point where I started questioning everything about our friendship.

“Should I have opened up to you that night?”
“Maybe If I didn’t, you wouldn’t feel as though you have to be there for me all the time.”
“Is this the type of friendship you wanted to be apart of when you came to MacRob?”

It just went on and on. The fact that I can only talk to Belinda about everything makes me feel as though I’m a burden to her, that she has to listen to me when I need to talk. I guess no one really knows this, but I have these “lows” (as I like to call them) a lot, and at times, I don’t want to tell Belinda because I don’t want to trouble her constantly. If you’re reading this Belinda, I’m really sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to doubt you and our friendship, I just can’t help but think that maybe things could’ve been different (and possibly better?) if I wasn’t always like this. I hope you know that anything you might be dealing with is important to me. So don’t hold back just because I might be crying over some lame-ass problem of mine.

That’s it. Now, I’m going to try and be more positive about everything. If I can’t do it for myself, I know I have to do it for Belinda. Not only because she asked me to last night (and I didn’t answer), but simply because she’s always being the supportive and the positive one in this friendship. It’s about time I was that person.

————-

On another note. I have listened to Anberlin’s New Surrender and Jack’s Mannequin’s The Glass Passenger on repeat for the past two days. From what people have told me after listening to the leaked version of New Surrender prior to its release, I was a TINY bit worried that I might not like it and it’d take me a while before I would. When I listened to the album first time round, the tiny bit of worry just disappeared instantly. I give so much credit to Anberlin for creating an amazing album, especially after working with a new producer and signing onto a new record label. I’m hoping to see them at Soundwave in 2009 (which I must say has a fair decent lineup [Hello ANBERLIN, CHIODOS, MADINA LAKE, NEW FOUND GLORY, THE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS, THE AUDITION, EMERY, FROM FIRST TO LAST... the list goes on]).

Anyway, back to the records, Andrew McMahon and friends, you’ve done it again. I have to admit that I fell in love with The Glass Passenger a lot quicker than I fell in love with New Surrender. But either way, I’m in love with both albums. My blog title. “Big hearts are for breaking” is a lyric from Jack’s Mannequin’s American Love. I do hope Jack’s Mannequin come down to Australia for a headlining tour, seeing as they came down to support Fall Out Boy last year in September. To see Andrew McMahon in the flesh would be the best ever! Definitely my two favourite albums this year… but then again, I am way too biased to be judging on the best albums of 2008.

Oh, and have a listen to Decode by Paramore, this new single is the lead single for the Twilight soundtrack. It’s pretty darn awesome.

Goodbye and take care.